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Thread: Is it bad I string people along?

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    Is it bad I string people along?

    I don't know why I'm posting this but I suddenly had a revelation that what I do is kind of mean...

    I'm 20 and I've never had a boyfriend. I don't have any close friends (or really any friends). I'm very reserved/like to be alone. All I do all day is meandering around a few websites and my work. Repeat this every day.
    However I'm not an ugly person, I'm actually decently attractive. I certainly don't have the look of a loner or act like one. I get asked out a lot. In high school no one ever asked me out but in college I go on dates quite frequently. (I had 2 this weekend, I'm about to leave for my second). I don't even know how I get these people, I literally NEVER leave my room except for class/food.

    I go on these dates with the intention of never seeing this person again. I like going out, getting off campus, eating real food, driving in a car. However I just have no interest but I don't really know how to say no. One of the guys this weekend just knocked on my door with a bouquet, how am I suppose to say no to that? I actually have the flowers on my roommates desk now so the other guy doesn't think about them. I usually pay for my own food just because I'm a huge feminist but I just feel like this is....wrong? Or is this normal?

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    Demetri's Avatar
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    Gamertag: HeartbreakJay PSN ID: Clyrkos
    I think it's bad to string guys along but one day you'll find that one day whose persistent enough to break you out your shell xD

    Hopefully

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    Maybe, I just find the whole relationships with other people very boring and even if I'm interested the interest will be short lived. I've never been in a relationship but I've actually had several people tell me they love me....and mean it.

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    SmileYaDead's Avatar
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    No offence, but you sound kind of a bitch.

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    Quote Originally Posted by SmileYaDead View Post
    No offence, but you sound kind of a bitch.
    No offence taken, but how so? I don't mean to. I've just never been interested in marriage/kids, etc. Living alone for the rest of my life seems ideal. However going out with people occasionally is nice.

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    You say several people have told you they love you. That doesn't happen overnight. Your actions leading to that were just a game for you, since you aren't interested in a relationship. That's not what a nice person does. You like the attention, but not when there's too much of it. You have to pick the time when someone can pay attention to you, not when they'd actually want to do it.

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    A date is just a date, though people have high expectations of "dates" these days and assume you're into them enough to lead to something real.

    The best thing you should do if you want to go out with these guys is to do it, but make it clear before you agree to the date that you don't expect much out of it and they shouldn't take it serious either.
    It's the only thing you really can do if you like to go out (and go out with people?) often.

    ---

    It's nice that you pay for your own food on these dead-end dates; that's at least one redeeming factor in the way you do things.
    As a guy, I would be pissed if I thought I had a shot with a chick I really dug and dished out the green, only to be left with just a "bye and never again."

    A lot of guys in college are looking for "love" and if you're an attractive girl, then it doesn't matter what your activities are. They'll just shotgun it and try to get you for the night out, without taking the time to do research on you and assessing your interest level. It's dumb, but it still happens. Which brings me to the importance of stating your true intent before initiating a date, because then you are a "bitch" if you get their hopes up and crush them promptly.

    It's never easy saying "no" in most circumstances (barring hatred or disgust towards others); you can do it in 3 ways:

    -The obvious and non-preferred method is just telling them 'no', not recommended if you want to keep up appearances.
    -The better method is to lightly let them down with sympathetic words. Pretty much sugar coat it for them with points about how they've still got good qualities, you're just not into them, etc. This will take patience and compassion - more work on your end.
    -Last way is to just make up excuses and lie. "I'm busy", "gotta study for an exam", "have a big assignment, "feeling sick", "already have plans", etc. Keep doing that if they're persistent and eventually they'll get the message.

    ---

    On an off-note, if all you've been doing are these one-off & almost one-off dates with guys and a few of them have profess they "love you", you're better off avoiding them afterwards anyways.
    They hardly know you to begin with and are thus symptomatic of desperate and clingy betas you'd probably grow to dislike, based on your character.

    Btw, the bouquet guy sounds like a beta.

  8. The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to Mod For This Useful Post:

    Crow (10-05-2013),Mint (10-05-2013),simmie (10-05-2013),Sociopath (10-05-2013),wrath (10-05-2013)

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    @someoneout

    I'm going with the less popular opinion here I suppose. I don't think there's anything wrong with what you're doing. I don't think anyone should have an expectation of a commitment or even of a second date if you're being clear that it's not what you want. If you're not being clear about that, then you're being manipulative. However, as the former King of Manipulation (05/2006-06/2013), I don't find anything wrong with that either. Play them. Take their money. Bleed them dry. That especially goes for the boys that couldn't take the concept of 'a date' seriously and 'love' you. I mean seriously, this is one date in a man's life and we've all had them. They suck, but they aren't life-altering. If you want to take the moral high ground, then tell them it's not going anywhere. If you don't care, then don't.

    The only person who can truly judge you is you.

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    Meagan (10-06-2013),Sociopath (10-05-2013)

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    Maybe you're aromantic. (Which is basically a lack of romantic attraction towards anyone). It's not weird or bad, there's lots of people like that. I actually go to school with plenty of them.
    And it's okay to not want to get married/have kids. That's not for everyone.

    I honestly don't think you sound like a bitch for being this way. Not everyone can be romantic and have emotional connections to other people, and still it's okay. You shouldn't feel bad about it. But you should make it clear to the people you're going on dates with that you're not interested in forming a bond. Then again, if you only go on one date with each of them, that's not really necessary. However, if you ever go on repeated dates with someone but make no mention of the fact that you're not interesting in furthering the relationship then that could be 'stringing them along'. But especially since you prefer to pay, you don't owe anyone an explanation of the fact that you're not interested in them, unless you date them often.
    Whether you're aromantic or not, if forming a bond with another human being is not your thing, it's okay to still go on dates and have fun-- I mean you're only human, of course you want that emotional connection at least now and then. But there's nothing that says you HAVE to get in relationships and be the typical girlfriend. I mean if you really feel bad about it, you could tell your dates to consider an 'open relationship' with you. /shrugs

    I feel like I'm not making sense, but really I just mean that you deserve to be who you are and you shouldn't have to explain yourself to people who judge you. And you shouldn't feel judged for being different. Being different than the norm is what I strive to do.

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    @SmileYaDead I don't really mean it to be that way. I'm just really good at getting people to like me. Especially through typing/the internet. It's not really any type of game. I've actually had people on neopets fall in love with me.

    @Mod good advice. I usually go with the letting down by keeping up with the excuses. However, I think I should move to a more face to face adult approach and just lay it down. I feel like everything I want to do comes out of no where because of my personality I'm always very cheery and there is no evidence that I'm having a bad time. But really my boredom with the person begins at the end of the first date and it's really only a steady decline from there...

    @Wrath your reply actually isn't bad at all. Oh it's exactly how I would like to be. I would bleed someone dry for money to be honest. Every time I surrender money for food on a date I cry a little bit inside. I'd rather not look like a gold digger though. I really don't want extravagant things but I think I should get the balls to have someone pay for dinner for me.

    @Crow Thanks! I actually identify at asexual/aromantic but not really publicly because people would kind of laugh at me. I really am not sexually interested or romantically interested in anyone. People find that really...really strange. I might be interested in an open relationship where I just wine and dine you once in a while and that's it but that's a really weird proposal and I should just get a friend for that lol.

    Thanks for the replies guys!

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