How to do a confrontation (for the bad-at-confrontation people)
Confrontations suck. All the possible social anxiety on top of the shouting and just general anxiety. I'm not very good at it and I learned some specialized 'conflict resolution' skills in therapy, which I figured everyone would be interested in since we all have to do confronting eventually.
It could just be a friend you lent something to who hasn't returned it, your significant other is leaving mud all over the hallway, or telling your boss that you'd really rather not work a double, thankyouverymuch. It can be hard to figure out what to say or even where to start on how to get your point across.
The first step is deciding if you want a confrontation. Maybe you don't actually know what you want out of this. Maybe what you want is short term and a risk to the long term. Maybe you think you don't deserve to get what you want (You do, because you are wonderful and happiness is a right, not a privilege). So... is it worth it? Do you really need that DVD back? A clean hallway? To not work yourself to exhaustion? Ok, step two.
Now it's time for the hard part. What do you want out of this? Do you specifically want the DVD or just to know when they'll be done with it? How much are you willing to compromise? Will you accept mud as long as it's only next to the door? Can you live with backing down completely? Will you feel like poop if you do? Is this less about the work and more about your boss respecting your choice the first time without pressuring you? Taking a stand requires a foundation, and keeping your goal in mind will help you in the most important part.
Step three is the big one, time to do some confronting. As we get into the discussion itself, there's a (mildly) forced acronym to help you remember the steps, DEAR MAN. We'll take them one at a time, but the first part (DEAR) is more about setting up how you'll present your side, with the second part (MAN) being what to remember when it becomes a dialogue.
D- Describe the current situation. Tell them clearly what you are upset about, from your point of view. "I let you borrow Princess Tutu, but it's been 2 months and you haven't returned it." Try to be concise and stick to the facts, don't exaggerate. "You steal all my stuff!" is satisfying to yell but isn't going to get your DVD back any faster.
E- Express your feelings and opinions. Tell them how the situation has affected you, remember that they can't read your mind. "Princess Tutu is my favourite anime ever, and I've really really been wanting to watch it." Stick to "I..." statements, try to stay away from "You..." ones since it sounds accusatory and will make the other person defensive. We're trying to start a solution, not a fight. "You should know it's my favourite, and you're keeping it from me!"
A- Assert yourself by asking for what you want or clearly saying no. "I would like it if you could drop Princess Tutu off tonight." They still can't read your mind so be as clear as you can. "Just get it back to me whenever."
R- Reinforce the person with what nice stuff they'll get out of it. If it's appropriate, tell them the bad as well. "When you drop it off, you can borrow another DVD but I'm not lending you any of my movies or games until it comes back." Just remember to follow up on what you promised.
So, you've launched your side, and now they're going to start talking/arguing/yelling at you. Deep breath, this is something you can both win. You and your desires are valid, and you deserve to be listened to and treated with the respect you show others.
M- Mindfully keep sight of your goals. Be a broken record. Stay stuck on what you are asking for, saying no, or your opinion. "I'd still like my DVD back." They may threaten you, throw insults, or attempt to change the subject. Keep making your point.
A- Appear confident. Even if you don't feel confident, act it. Make direct eye contact, use a firm tone of voice. Don't whisper or stare at the floor. You want this and you want them to know it. You are allowed to have things that you need and you do not have to apologize for needing them. "Um, I don't know. Maybe..?"
N- Negotiate. Be willing to listen to other solutions. Ask them what they would do in your position. Be flexible. You're always free to say no but offer them something else to make up for it. "Since you still want to watch it, why not bring it over and we can watch it together?" Be sure you are actually satisfied with any compromises. You are the one who will live with the results.
And... that's it! Congrats, you made it all the way through! It's a lot of very heavy things to think about, but I hope it has helped you think about confrontations as more manageable and less scary.
It can be helpful to write out a script for the first half (DEAR) so you know what you want to say. As a short example, I'm going to write out the turning down an extra shift one as a script, so you can see the saying no side.
"I've been thinking about being asked to stay late and work a double shift. I don't want to work a double today because I'm tired and I have my nephew's birthday party tonight (Combination Asserting what I want and Expressing how I feel). I'll work a double this weekend when we're really busy instead."
Please ask questions! Let me know if you want more detail. I'll try and do more on this if people are interested. Thank you.
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