Results 1 to 5 of 5

Thread: Discussion - Maintaining friendships as we grow older

  1. #1
    Rylai's Avatar
    Joined
    Feb 2020
    Posts
    124
    Userbars
    9
    Thanks
    256
    Thanked
    384/96
    DL/UL
    8/0
    Mentioned
    24 times
    Time Online
    12d 21h 56m
    Avg. Time Online
    12m

    Discussion - Maintaining friendships as we grow older

    Recently, I have been reflecting a lot about my friendships and how it is increasingly difficult to make new friends as I grow older. Back when I was still in (the non US-equivalent of) elementary/middle/high school and to some extent college, it was pretty easy to make friends because the environment artificially forces a bunch of people in the same age group and background together. Looking back, I kind of regret not cherishing some of my really great friendships in the past (what kids would call, "best friends") and mentally kick myself for not doing more to maintain those friendships. However, as a child, it's really hard to understand the concept of cherishing friendships and not taking friendships for granted, just because it was so much easier to make new friends or join a new clique when it became too much effort to keep your old "best friends" around (for instance, if you guys are no longer in the same class and no longer see each other all the time / have the same schedule).

    I am now a working adult now and I find it so much harder to make friends without the artificially induced school environment bringing many people of the same age and interests to interact with one another. Besides my work colleagues, all of my existing friendships were way back from my school days. (Of course, my partner and I also "share" our friends, but those don't really count to me!) I believe that some of my colleagues join groups outside of work (for example, exercise-related groups like yoga classes) or attend lessons (for instance, learn a new language) to make new friends, but I think that this would be increasingly difficult in recent times due to the coronavirus restrictions and everything being shoved to the virtual world of Zoom classes. Which brings me to the importance of maintaining existing friendships.

    I am fortunate enough to have a few high quality friendships from my middle school days whom I have known for more than half my life. Even though there have been "hiatuses" in some of these friendships in the past, we now have a comfortable schedule where we would video call or meet up (if we are in the same location) at least a few times a year, which to me is more than enough to catch up and know what's going on in each others' lives. Of course, I also have some friends whom I interact with more often than that, but those are pretty limited. However, there have been challenges in maintaining these friendships, and I am anticipating that there are more to come. For one, as my friends slowly get attached, their partners inevitably and understandably become their priorities and the person that they spend most of their time with, and also the person that they will turn to when they are in need of any advice or discussion. As someone who is attached, this is something that I do as well, and I completely understand that your partner should come first. But it is a little sad when friendships become too low of a priority. And then there are also some friends who have partners that are not comfortable with them hanging out with certain friends, which unfortunately has led to the deterioration of some of my friendships (when I am not in the partner's list of "approved" friends, for whatever reason). Or perhaps, over the course of growing up, some friends grew to be different people and we realize we no longer have many things in common, in terms of personality or shared activities, or any topics of conversation that are of mutual interest to both parties. Finally, some of my friends are also starting to have a child, and I feel like that would also be a huge commitment which would take up a lot of their time (understandably so!).

    As a couple who does not plan on having any children (Disclaimer: We have nothing against children or any parents who choose to start on this beautiful journey - it's just not for us), this is something that my partner and I think about sometimes. What would we do for company in our 30s and 40s when all of our friends are busy with their own families and children-related commitments? (For context, we also have a very small immediate family.) By then, I would imagine it would be pretty difficult to make new friends. We are also not sure at this stage how many of our friends will or will not be having children, and it would be kind of strange to ask out of context, but it's certainly some food for thought.

    I would guess that most of us who frequent Clraik would be in our 20s and older. It would be great if you could share what're your experiences like regarding friendships, to the extent that you are comfortable, of course. Do you also find it harder to maintain friends as you get older and life gets in the way? Or for those who are pretty successful in the friendship department (i.e. making or maintaining friendships) - I would be very keen on hearing your advice! It would also be pretty cool to have a discussion on the average frequency of meeting up with friends, and the average number of good-quality friendships that people usually have. I'm also particularly interested in the experiences of parents on Clraik - Does having children create any unique challenges in the friendship department for you guys? Would you still reserve some time to spend with your friends who do not have any children? I look forward to hearing your views and experiences!
    Last edited by Rylai; 11-11-2020 at 09:55 PM.

  2. The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Rylai For This Useful Post:

    Extraterrestrial (11-12-2020),Fiore (11-12-2020),kittyray (11-12-2020)

  3. #2
    SpaceyGirl's Avatar
    Joined
    Dec 2012
    Posts
    148
    Userbars
    13
    Thanks
    171
    Thanked
    416/102
    DL/UL
    3/0
    Mentioned
    26 times
    Time Online
    41d 10h 40m
    Avg. Time Online
    14m
    I have a few groups of friends and I see the majority of them... once a year (in person) pre-covid19. I probably text a few times a year. As an introvert, all the people who've stayed in my life understands how I "work" and has completely accepted my limited appearances but when we do see each other, it's always a super fun time, as if we were never apart! I am blessed to have found so many people who've accepted this about me.

    I do have two best friends who I text often (...often to me is like once every two weeks-month). Every time I have a problem (with anything, work, boyfriend, complaining about the election, etc), I'll drop one of them a text and we can text for hours just talking about it. One of them did recently have a baby, though, the first person from my high school friend group to have a kid! I noticed she's been talking to a lot of moms from mommy-and-me groups (I might have gotten this name wrong). I think she feels slightly disconnected among our usual friends since she feels different; her priorities have changed, and even though we haven't said anything about it out loud, we feel it. So I'm glad she's found new friends who are moms and can relate.

    I also sometimes lie awake at night thinking about people who've come and gone from my life. Once in a while, I randomly text one of them just to catch up and it's almost always received well and we usually do end up talking about random stuff! My advice is to just drop a "hey! How's it going" to someone you want to connect with again. What's the worse that can happen?

    Also, recently I started looking to expand my friendship circle.. I wanted to meet new people with my boyfriend, maybe go on some double dates. Even though I try pretty hard not to let him feel left out, I know he feels slightly sad when he hangs out with me and my friends because we've all been friends for almost 20 years and he's kinda the odd duck. It doesn't help that I only show up once a year so he doesn't get close to them. Almost all of his friends are married and have kids so he's been feeling pretty meh in the friends department. They talk online but they're always too busy with the kids or work to catch up (or maybe their husbands don't feel comfortable.. All of my boyfriend's friends are women, who knows..). And they live hours away and neither wants to travel.. xD
    I found a LF friends post in my city's reddit page that also linked to a Facebook group and a discord link so I joined on everything and I've been lowkey reading what people are up to. They have random zoom calls and also have plans in the future for random meetups. One day when I feel brave and it's safe, my boyfriend and I will attend one of these events and hopefully make some new friends together!

    Like all relationships, friendships take work, especially at the beginning or after you guys no longer have a shared interest (school / work). If you want to make new friends but have trouble talking to randos, I'd recommend finding community groups, like hobby groups, so you can start with a shared appreciation for something. My boyfriend used to play softball with random people in the last city he lived in and met a lot of friends that way! My roommates join random meetups for LGBTQ people (they're gay) and they've been happy with the friendships they've made. I've seen a number of posts from children-less couples looking for other like minded people to hang out with. They're out there, you just need to find them!


    Also, I appreciate all my online friends. Like all the clraik people who I respect who've probably never seen my name since (I think) I'm so lowkey! Hats off to everyone who joins in on discussions and debates and, of course, the spam section. Everyone feels friendless sometimes and clraik has helped me feel a little less lonely.

  4. The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to SpaceyGirl For This Useful Post:

    Fiore (11-12-2020),kittyray (11-12-2020),Rylai (11-12-2020),TsUNaMy WaVe (11-12-2020)

  5. #3
    overthink.exe
    kittyray's Avatar
    Joined
    Sep 2013
    Posts
    5,623
    Pronouns
    she/they
    Userbars
    117
    Thanks
    13,412
    Thanked
    18,704/5,242
    DL/UL
    40/0
    Mentioned
    1,155 times
    Time Online
    551d 2m
    Avg. Time Online
    3h 26m



    thanks stardust for base Thanks Sugarbee Thanks Wooloo
    Kyo (Nov 13 2020)

    thanks honeycomb
    and hearts! <3
    +Zenitsu

    THANK YOU FAB



  6. The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to kittyray For This Useful Post:

    Fiore (11-12-2020),maya (12-06-2020),Rylai (11-12-2020),TsUNaMy WaVe (11-12-2020)

  7. #4
    TsUNaMy WaVe's Avatar
    Joined
    Nov 2014
    Posts
    3,397
    Pronouns
    she/her
    Userbars
    102
    Thanks
    5,027
    Thanked
    7,119/2,414
    DL/UL
    47/0
    Mentioned
    434 times
    Time Online
    64d 3h N/A
    Avg. Time Online
    26m

    (you need an account to see links)




    (you need an account to see links) || (you need an account to see links)
    I̶ ̶w̶a̶n̶t̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶b̶a̶k̶a̶ ̶u̶s̶e̶r̶b̶a̶r̶ ̶v̶e̶r̶y̶ ̶m̶u̶c̶h̶!̶ I GOT IT!!!

  8. The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to TsUNaMy WaVe For This Useful Post:

    Fiore (11-12-2020),kittyray (11-12-2020),maya (12-06-2020),Rylai (11-12-2020),SpaceyGirl (11-12-2020)

  9. #5
    Rylai's Avatar
    Joined
    Feb 2020
    Posts
    124
    Userbars
    9
    Thanks
    256
    Thanked
    384/96
    DL/UL
    8/0
    Mentioned
    24 times
    Time Online
    12d 21h 56m
    Avg. Time Online
    12m
    Thanks everyone for your replies so far. Honestly, I was not expecting such detailed and heartfelt replies and I am deeply touched by you guys who took the time and energy to share so much. While I may not be able to offer much advice on the friendship aspect, I hope that being able to share about your experiences helps in some small way as a form of catharsis.

    Individual replies in spoiler tags below. Please do not feel pressured to reply! I'm just offering my thoughts should you wish to continue on the discussion.

    @(you need an account to see links)


    @(you need an account to see links)


    @(you need an account to see links)


  10. The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Rylai For This Useful Post:

    kittyray (11-12-2020),SpaceyGirl (11-12-2020)

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •