I woke up at about 2 pm and that fact makes me sad because I am nervous about my regime. I dream of going to bed at 10 pm and waking up at, say, 5.30/6 am. But not sure that this will ever come true. Atm have tons of free time but use it not in the best way.
Yesterday my ex sent me a picture from an old year book of a class photo I was in. He didn't mean to upset me, I know most people have some happy high school memories, but it was a really terrible time for me and had a major negative impact on the rest of my life. Obviously it caught me off guard, and I really wasn't expecting to have as bad of a reaction to it as I did. My Fiance had been around to visit at the time but he had to go back to his house because he had to help his grandparents out today so I've just been left alone with the feelings. As a result today I've been feeling really depressed and pretty angry because a few months ago I was torturing myself looking up people I used to know and they're all better off than I am. I've been trying to stay busy, I have a lot of things that I'm trying to learn and do, but I ran out because I wasn't really feeling up to spending like 5 hours drawing or something and I'm trying to spend less time on YouTube getting nothing done. I'm just trying to focus on doing whatever I can think of. I finally get some money later this week so I'll be able to order food at last since I'm running really low right now. If only when I'd burned that yearbook all those years ago it had stopped existing for everyone else too, then I wouldn't feel so miserable.
Today has been a super busy day, I'm trying to keep occupied. My parents get back from their holiday soon so I needed to make sure any mess I made was cleaned. I baked scones which was great, I haven't baked anything in years but they came out well in the end even if I had to work around a few steps in the recipe. I set up my new work out routine and wrote it down in my bullet journal. Spent an hour studying my languages, but I still have more to do before bed, hopefully I'll sleep better tonight than I did last night because I didn't sleep so late and I've barely stopped all day. Drawing, and ukulele practice, and meditation and bedtime yoga left to go. if only I could set what a day is to me in apps so I don't lose streaks on days like this where I just don't find time to meditate until well after midnight (I'm a 2pm-4am day person).
My mom had an asthma crisis and had to go to the hospital I couldn't concentrate at all on my studies. I hope it isn't covid and that she gets better soon
I've gone back to not having the place to myself again so I'm stuck in one room 24 hours a day again and it feels even worse after having had the space and freedom to use the whole house. I'm feeling really horrible, especially since the weather is still too warm and now I can't get much done in the way of distracting myself. I've been researching and daydreaming about how I want my place to be when I eventually get to move, the new place still won't be what I want but it'll be better than this. I'm looking forward to Thursday when I can go stay with my Fiance for a couple of days and get a break from being here. Very thankful for the fan I rescued from my grandparents' old place, it has been such a big help this summer.
I had a really good day actually! Just found out I've been given tickets to a concert I was desperate to see next year, and I had Olive Garden with my family. AND didn't end up having to cover the bill!
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I couldn't concentrate at all on my studies. I hope it isn't covid and that she gets better soon
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