Presentation about Native Americans help (language & content)

[annamia]

Hi
I need help with my english presentation about the daily life of the Indians today.
I need the language and grammar corrected. As I'm german (and speak to a german class) the english shouldn't be that "difficult".
Maybe somebody could as well check the content. Will +rep for every helpful answer ;)

thanks


INDIANS TODAY


Today�s Living Conditions

Employment and Housing
The Living Conditions of the Native Americans, especially in their reservations, are extremely bad. Some people even call it �comparable to the Third World�. They have many issues of economics, health, housing and education.
Many households are overcrowded and many people are earning below poverty wages or are even unemployed. That is a reason why about 90,000 Indians are underhoused or homeless.
Often they don�t have utilities like running water or electricity.
All these issues (overcrowding, substandard housing and the lacking of utilities) increase the potential of health risk.

Health
The Indian Health Service doesn�t get enough financial support so they can�t cover the needed acute and preventative health care on the reservations. That�s why they suffer diseases as diabetes, heart disease, tuberculosis and cancer.

Education
They are often less educated because of their financial situation and because of the missing of schools in their reservations. Therefore they often have problems finding good jobs.

Drugs and alcohol abusing
They have many problems with drugs and alcohol because the Indians try to overcome their problems by drinking or taking drugs. To help them, lots of organizations were founded.

Their laws
The Europeans took all their laws and �put� them in reservations. The Indians had to live like the Europeans wanted them to be.
1924 the first got their own citizenship. The government didn�t interfere that much with the Native Americans anymore but they also didn�t helped and supported them anymore.
For this reason lots of the Indians moved to American cities and the reservations became poor.
They still don�t have enough rights and support to have the same possibilities as the other Americans. They are still often suppressed and not accepted.


-- It�s a circuit of problems the Indians have. The reason is in the history of the Native Americans. The only way to change it and to help them is to sensitize the people and to change their way of thinking.



The Native American Aid
The Native American Aid (NAA) is an organization providing programs which benefit the Indians. They serve many Indian people suffering from hunger, isolation and poverty. Their major efforts are the �Emergency Care�, the �Elder Care� and the �Nutrition Care�

[Mod]

Changes are in red. If words are deleted, I'll have made the words before and after them red too, for simplicity. Just compare what I've done to your original.




NATIVE AMERICANS TODAY


Today’s Living Conditions

Employment and Housing
The living conditions of Native Americans, especially on their reserves, are extremely poor. Some people even call it “comparable to a third world country”. They have many issues involving economics, health, housing, and education.
Many households are overcrowded and people living on the reserves are earning below the poverty line or are unemployed. Those are some reasons why ~90,000 Native Americans are underhoused or homeless.
Utilities such as running water or electricity may also be unavailable.
All of these issues (overcrowding, substandard housing and the lack of utilities) increase the risk of health problems.

Health
The Indian Health Service doesn’t receive enough financial support, so they can’t cover the minimum required acute and preventative health care on the reserves. That’s why they are prone to diseases such as diabetes, heart disease, tuberculosis, and cancer.

Education
Native Americans are often less educated because of their financial situation, and from insufficient amounts of schools on the reserves. As a result, they may have problems finding fair jobs.

Drug and alcohol abuse
They have addiction problems with drugs and alcohol because they try to overcome their problems with drinking or drugs. To combat this issue, organizations against drug and alcohol use have been founded.

Their laws
The European settlers took their land and “put” them onto reserves. Thus, they were forced to live like Europeans themselves.
The Native Americans were finally granted citizenship by the US government in 1924. The government reduced its interference with Native American relations, but also did not support their needs as a consequence.
For this reason, many Indians relocated to modern American cities and the reserves became worse, with loss of educated and able Indians leaving.
Native Americans still don’t have enough rights and support to have the same privileges as the other Americans; they are still often suppressed and not accepted by American society.


-- It is a circuit of problems the Indians have. The reason is in the history of the Native Americans. The best way to improve this problem is to educate and inform people, to improve their perception of Native Americans.



The Native American Aid
The Native American Aid (NAA) is an organization providing programs which benefit Native Americans. They serve Indians suffering from hunger, isolation and poverty. Their major efforts are the “Emergency Care”, “Elder Care” and “Nutrition Care”.


General notes:

1. Avoid using 'Indian', as it may be confused for citizens of India. You can still use it informally and in speech, but for written purposes to a class, it's best to be professional and clear (unless when 'Indian' is the name of something/place).

2. Avoid contractions (eg. "it's") in formal writing. Write out the full words instead (eg. "it is"). I didn't fix all of your contractions, it's your choice if you want to.

3. The tone of your presentation is too blunt in meaning. While the points you said are true, it sounds almost offensive to Native Americans, like a direct attack against them and their reserves. I would try to be as neutral as possible. Pretend you're a listener or Native American, how could you put it in a way that doesn't sound like you're taking a side or insulting them? Since this is for a class, it is especially important not to teach the wrong impression, on very impressional students at this level of study. They may end up hating or looking down at NAs in adulthood otherwise.

[annamia]

Changes are in red. If words are deleted, I'll have made the words before and after them red too, for simplicity. Just compare what I've done to your original.



General notes:

1. Avoid using 'Indian', as it may be confused for citizens of India. You can still use it informally and in speech, but for written purposes to a class, it's best to be professional and clear (unless when 'Indian' is the name of something/place).

2. Avoid contractions (eg. "it's") in formal writing. Write out the full words instead (eg. "it is"). I didn't fix all of your contractions, it's your choice if you want to.

3. The tone of your presentation is too blunt in meaning. While the points you said are true, it sounds almost offensive to Native Americans, like a direct attack against them and their reserves. I would try to be as neutral as possible. Pretend you're a listener or Native American, how could you put it in a way that doesn't sound like you're taking a side or insulting them? Since this is for a class, it is especially important not to teach the wrong impression, on very impressional students at this level of study. They may end up hating or looking down at NAs in adulthood otherwise.

thank you so much!
I realized that the way I explained their situation was quite bad but I didn't know other words exept some "difficult" ones which were in my sources. But the way you corrected it is perfect. Thanks a lot!. :)

If somebody else have some ideas please feel free to tell me. :p