Postponed pain? I think a lot of people postpone their pain and don't even realize that the source of their problems stems from letting it take control of them.
Control of me.
I started on a journey for self discovery last march, on my 27th birthday. Decided that I wanted to know why I wasn't where I wanted to be in life and why the people who had come into my life and out of it were or weren't there. I wanted to know why I felt so anxious all the time, so depressed, so... different, I guess. I wanted to know what adulthood felt like. What does it feel like? Some special sort of existence that once you slip through it you're automatically blessed with social privilege and belonging? And what about love? Why don't I love myself, or for that matter even know who I am? Why didn't I ever find out?
I had been getting some really weird dreams that were telling me some pretty cryptic stuff to start off with, but it wasn't until later that they really made any sense. It began with a few of them months before I made the decision to try and change my life.
Everything started off so easily. Mindfulness meditation. Living in the moment. Walking. New hobbies. I felt better. Shrews were being tamed...
I read a book on self discovery and one of the things they said to do was to watch a show and really look into the eyes of the characters and try to connect with them. I sat down and watched Freaks and Geeks. And I really connected with Daniel's character, and felt really accomplished after watching a marathon of the show straight.
Went downstairs to unwind to some music and I got a flashback of some things that had happened in the past and from there it was like a huge puzzle piece that was never there to begin with was placed in the center of the picture of my person. I delved into who I was, daily. For hours. Retracing my actions, motives, morals, values, dreams, hopes, desires... like an arterial body, a tree shaped map of it's very own, the amount of work that has gone into this past year. It's literally driven me crazy, this rabbit hole that I fell into. But I've gone over everything so many times, and I'm not sure if the guilt or the shame has distorted myself or if trying to grasp at this fleeting image of my future is. I reached the bottom and found out who I really was and where I had lost myself and why I had lost myself. And it was all just this random thing. I wouldn't even know how to describe it because it isn't really a story, just a bunch of pieces that haven't been fit together in order quite yet.
And I know I should, but I'm afraid of looking at that story in the face because it's dark and it's strange and I just want to be normal and to feel normal. But if I don't have my past pieced together then I don't know what I have to sit on as a foundation for my future. And if I don't have a future than I'll never feel safe and happy and loved and normal.
I already started on this and put so much work into it, but it's painful and I'm just so f*cking tired. I just want to be at the end of everything and have everything that I want and to feel like I earned it and actually deserve it. But that involves forgiving some people, learning to love some people, myself, relating to the world differently, being responsible for myself, knowing my boundaries, other's boundaries and somehow not coming out of it jaded and resentful and somehow knowing that I made a difference in the world. And all at once. So many steps and so many changes and everything is just foggy and convoluted and...
I don't know. Keep climbing out of this hole and change for the better, or be sad forever. The longer you postpone pain, the harder it is to overcome but apparently the road to happiness is worth the pain of they journey. Damn I hope so.
The exception would be those times when I push through the pain because I know it'll be better in the end, like not trying to put off throwing up if I'm sick because I know I'll feel better once I do. Or when I'm too sore to move and I force myself to stretch it out, even if it sucks, because it's better than just laying around. Why put off the pain that brings relief or eventuality leads to something better?
But all other situations, yeah, if I don't have to deal with it, I'll postpone.
Emotional pain I don't get often other than anger which as anyone who knows me will tell you, I have no problem letting that out. Some of the more serious emotional pain I have suffered on occasion I talk to people. I am lucky that one of my best mates from Uni is a female and a great listener. She is the first person I turn to when I have a problem and/or need advice. The best thing is that none of my mates know her so what I say stays confidential although I trust her completely and know she would never tell anyone anything I didn't want her to.
Physical pain is a different story. I am in physical pain at the moment in terms of an ankle injury. I busted it October last year and it has never quite healed. I went to the hospital when it happened and they told me it was likely a bad sprain but it could also be a small hairline fracture. Whatever it was never healed right and the past couple of months it's been starting to hurt quite a bit at times. I'm postponing going to the doctor because I don't want them to tell me they either don't know what the problem is or that I need surgery.
@(you need an account to see links) I buy stuff from Safeway and Sobeys for airmiles. I check out the online flyers and they always have airmiles deals like not long ago buy 4 bags of $2 perogies and get 50 airmiles...sweet deal. Shampoo is various ones for airmiles. Definitely check out the flyers to find out what things to buy for the bonus airmiles.
And yes when I get my hair I literally do feel the weight taken off. My hair is so thick and full that it gets heavy. It really is a pain to have thick hair.
The Following User Says Thank You to Sci_Girl For This Useful Post:
i have a pretty terrible hoarding problem so i guess that counts. letting shit go just aint my strong suit.
also pain with regards to relationships. i postpone the inevitable people getting tired of me or getting weirded out by how much of a psycho i am by not getting close to them and avoiding letting them actually talk to me to begin with. this is something im working on and finally confessed to doing recently so... admitting is the first step i guess. ironically i was putting off the pain of admitting im a social brick wall.
also the pain of realising im actually... physically ill. ive been putting off a stomach scan for the last year because im afraid of being told its stomach cancer. i have a lot of migraines recently and im scared of getting put in for a brain scan in case its brain cancer OR WORSE. i know my body is a mess but lord actually being told the exact conditions is too horrifying to deal with.
and like anyone else the pain of existing in general. like shit man im so messed up actually confronting it is so... nah. id rather just rot in my own issues. confronting them is too difficult. suppression is ok with me.
Studying. I'm so bad. I'll breeze my way through a few weeks. Then the week of a test... I learn two and a half months of a subject in like 5 days. It's so bad. I should really stop that.
Posting Permissions
