What parenting lesson did you take from your upbringing?

[j03]

I'm also not a parent but I'm here to say congratulations! You must be very excited at this point in life.

I was not spoiled throughout my childhood which, I believe, helped me in becoming who I am today. Just show lots of love and be strict when you feel like you should be.

[Misha]

Congrats! I grew up in a dysfunctional household for sure. I moved from place to place frequently. My mom was on welfare and my dad was an asshole. Divorced when I was 4. My mom had severe psychological issues and that was tough so my brother and I were in and out of foster care so that was hard. I was kicked out of the house at 16 and lived in a homeless shelter for a few months where I was jumped into a gang. My dad committed suicide when I was 21.

With the life I was given growing up it taught me how to be strong and resilient I'm the face of hardships. It taught me to be a hard worker and to never let someone tell me I cant achieve something. If or when I have children I will teach them the same. I might be on more of the strict side but I would be more involved in their lives and accept them as they are and make sure not to ever cut them down or feel like they are worthless. I was told "no" a lot for things I wanted to get into like sports and extracurricular activities which led me to be rebelious and ended up pushing me towards the life of crime and drugs. I would never do that with my child. If they want to be in a sport, I will be there for every game.

[Roslyn]

Congratulations! Your excitement is telling. (:

My parents grew up devastatingly poor. When my father became paralyzed, my mother, 4'11" and nothing more than a HS education, took on three, labor intensive jobs. She became the "breadwinner," of the household, and my father, confined to a wheelchair, became the stay-at-home dad. Despite my mum's hard work, we were still low income, for sure. Despite this, my parents, who grew up with nothing, sunk every penny they made throughout my upbringing into the happiness and wellbeing of my brother and I.

My father carried a lot of guilt because he felt he couldn't take us out and do outdoor things like your stereotypical, "dad." So my mother and him sent us to day camp (even though it was incredibly expensive) every summer. Even though we lived in a trailer, my brother and I were "spoiled" in the sense we received a lot of "nice things" growing up. I didn't have to worry about not having a cellphone, or not having a computer, or not having the style of shoes I wanted. I ate the brand named foods. I was able to go on field trips.

That being said, my parents never let me go without claiming responsibility for my actions. I think when people hear the word, "spoiled," the imagine children who don't have to be responsible for their actions. It wasn't like that.

I don't think I truly appreciated everything my parents did for me until I no longer lived with them. I am thankful because I feel like I have become a well rounded, intelligent individual because of my parents. They were not perfect by any means, but I think its important to realize you'll never be "perfect" as a parent. My mother set an exceptionally high bar as far as work ethic goes. English is her second language, which I think discouraged her from pursuing a higher education. Because of this, however, it is now my goal to maximize my own intelligence and pick a degree which will help me someday take care of her and my father.

At the end of the day, be what you want your children to be like, you know? Whether they follow it or go their own path, well, you can't really know. But setting a good example for your children will undoubtedly influence them.

[♥ Munna ♥]

Congratulations! Your excitement is telling. (:

My parents grew up devastatingly poor. When my father became paralyzed, my mother, 4'11" and nothing more than a HS education, took on three, labor intensive jobs. She became the "breadwinner," of the household, and my father, confined to a wheelchair, became the stay-at-home dad. Despite my mum's hard work, we were still low income, for sure. Despite this, my parents, who grew up with nothing, sunk every penny they made throughout my upbringing into the happiness and wellbeing of my brother and I.

My father carried a lot of guilt because he felt he couldn't take us out and do outdoor things like your stereotypical, "dad." So my mother and him sent us to day camp (even though it was incredibly expensive) every summer. Even though we lived in a trailer, my brother and I were "spoiled" in the sense we received a lot of "nice things" growing up. I didn't have to worry about not having a cellphone, or not having a computer, or not having the style of shoes I wanted. I ate the brand named foods. I was able to go on field trips.

That being said, my parents never let me go without claiming responsibility for my actions. I think when people hear the word, "spoiled," the imagine children who don't have to be responsible for their actions. It wasn't like that.

I don't think I truly appreciated everything my parents did for me until I no longer lived with them. I am thankful because I feel like I have become a well rounded, intelligent individual because of my parents. They were not perfect by any means, but I think its important to realize you'll never be "perfect" as a parent. My mother set an exceptionally high bar as far as work ethic goes. English is her second language, which I think discouraged her from pursuing a higher education. Because of this, however, it is now my goal to maximize my own intelligence and pick a degree which will help me someday take care of her and my father.

At the end of the day, be what you want your children to be like, you know? Whether they follow it or go their own path, well, you can't really know. But setting a good example for your children will undoubtedly influence them.

Yes, I definitely agree with setting an example above all else. You can't really tell your children to do/not to do something, and then turn around and show them the complete opposite. Children are SO perceptive, even in their toddler years. The whole phrase "the apple doesn't fall far from the tree" is completely accurate in my opinion, and there are very rarely exceptions to the rule (apart from wanting to be the complete opposite for one reason or another).

[Mama Bear]

Thanks for all the really well thought out and insightful responses everyone, and your congratulations. Reading through your stories helped reaffirm the fact that upbringing influences who we become, but that resilience in yourself can ensure a person's ability to succeed as a happy, capable human being.

We definitely have a big challenge ahead of us, but I'd like to think we're in a good position to approach it. Blake and I have a very strong relationship; we've never fought in 7 years. We bullshit antagonise each other to play-fight for fun, but have never had a real fight. We're in the same mind about almost everything, which we think should help with consistency about Poliwag (btw, we nicknamed the baby Poliwag since atm they're only a little tadpole, and we're both nerds). As weird as it might sound, our sausage dogs are also good practice- having little unconditional balls of love and attention who even want to follow you to the toilet.

I go back to work on Tuesday, which should be interesting. During these holidays, I've been hit by the first trimester usual suspects, like tiredness and nausea, pretty hard. I'm hoping I can pull myself together enough to make it through school without spewing or falling asleep, since I'm not telling work until a little further along.

[varney]

Congratulations dear <3

I read everyone's responses and I agree with all of them. I would, however, like to talk about gender, sexual orientation and religion. First of all: remember that you can have expectations for you child, but you cannot destroy their life because of your beliefs. I grew up in a family like many others: cisgender heterosexual catholic parents. That would not be a problem if they did not wish I was like them. I'm agender, pansexual and atheist. I could tell you a very dramatic story of how my family damaged me but I don't think that is necessary, just know that, you, as a parent, are supposed to be your child's safe harbor, if you're not, there's a really high chance your child will either live a miserable life or end it. I don't think we should make other people's lives bad, specially your child's.

[Mama Bear]

Congratulations dear <3

I read everyone's responses and I agree with all of them. I would, however, like to talk about gender, sexual orientation and religion. First of all: remember that you can have expectations for you child, but you cannot destroy their life because of your beliefs. I grew up in a family like many others: cisgender heterosexual catholic parents. That would not be a problem if they did not wish I was like them. I'm agender, pansexual and atheist. I could tell you a very dramatic story of how my family damaged me but I don't think that is necessary, just know that, you, as a parent, are supposed to be your child's safe harbor, if you're not, there's a really high chance your child will either live a miserable life or end it. I don't think we should make other people's lives bad, specially your child's.

You raise a point that is an important one, Varney, one that too few people give consideration to, or have open-mindedness towards. I'm sorry to hear that your family were not there for you as they ought to have been, no one deserves that. Fortunately I feel secure in being able to say that I'd love my child no matter who they are. Going through university in the drama department, I was given the opportunity to befriend people of a broad spectrum of lives. One of the groomsmen at my wedding I'd first met as a gay man, but has since revealed as an agender polyamorous pansexual. When ze chose to change zir name to something gender neutral, I helped find the right one. Today's society has the on-going battle with discrimination, versus politically correctness/tolerance, versus acceptance; it isn't likely to be a battle that will be resolved anytime soon, unfortunately. But I am confident that I will offer a home environment that is supportive and loving.

[varney]

You raise a point that is an important one, Varney, one that too few people give consideration to, or have open-mindedness towards. I'm sorry to hear that your family were not there for you as they ought to have been, no one deserves that. Fortunately I feel secure in being able to say that I'd love my child no matter who they are. Going through university in the drama department, I was given the opportunity to befriend people of a broad spectrum of lives. One of the groomsmen at my wedding I'd first met as a gay man, but has since revealed as an agender polyamorous pansexual. When ze chose to change zir name to something gender neutral, I helped find the right one. Today's society has the on-going battle with discrimination, versus politically correctness/tolerance, versus acceptance; it isn't likely to be a battle that will be resolved anytime soon, unfortunately. But I am confident that I will offer a home environment that is supportive and loving.

I'm so happy you are like that! I hope your child is a cisgender heterosexual male, as life will probably be easier for them, but I'm happy because if they're not, you'll still be there for them <3
(<3<3<3<3)

[Banannie]

Aww! Babies are so cute. Congratulations on starting your family!

I don't have any good advice on how to raise children, not really around them much.

I guess ideally, if I were my stable self, I'd talk to them and raise them like they were their own person. I'd spend time explaining things to them at the grocery store and stuff. Even if the trip took two hours. A lot of explaining and asking for their own opinions. A lot of socialization, teaching them right from wrong, having them understand that the world won't always be fair and it's okay to be frustrated about that but that those same rules apply to everyone and that's oddly the only thing that is fair, to teach them how to love others and how to love themselves, to have respect for all living things and to be gentle, to feel safe, to feel as though their voice really matters.

I have a friend who works with autistic children, getting them socialized and understanding emotional regulation. One of the students she teaches works for gummy bear rewards. He usually works with her, but had a different teacher that day who didn't understand his working for rewards routine. This kid used to be the worst in the class, but had a milestone that day. He did all of his work, albeit unhappily. The next day he storms into the class and says to my friend, "Miss Terri! I did everything I was supposed to do. It's not fair!!"
And she tells him, "You're right Gabe, that isn't fair is it?"
Apparently that validation is really what he needed to hear and he had excellent manners for a few whole days. Not bad for a 7 year old! I guess the kid was one of the worst students starting out, a more rebellious personality, and has changed into an entirely different kid within a year. Much more positive.

Yeh, to a kid, or anyone really, being validated and respected means the world. That's what I would take from my upbringing.

[Jessica]

Congrats!