Connecting with people

[hellraid]

This post, I don't even know. I just feel like I need to write for a bit. Anyway.

I find it so difficult now adays to find someone or someones to have a decent converstation with. I am well aware of that people are busy with their lives and stuff. But it seems way more difficult to connect now. Or maybe I am just getting old and grumpy lmao. No but seriously. It could be, maybe it was easier to connect 10-15 years ago.

Anyway I was wondering how do you do it? How do you build something that last longer than a couple of messages in between each other and than nothing. Even though you probably have ton to talk about.

I love connecting with people, I just don't know how to stay connected with them. Could be a me thing for sure, tend to crawl into my shell when things get rough.

What's always bothered be though is that people always talk about oh give me a chance and we can talk. But the moment you reach out and try to talk to them they just ignore it.

I am super sorry, this post has no red thread at all and makes no sense. I just felt like I had to went. Life gets lonely sometimes :3

[kittyray]

I feel this. It's something I also struggle with, albeit in a different way. I can't seem to form relationships that last longer than a year or two, except for a few lifelong friends. I know I'm the lowest common denominator and it's something I've spent years working on, and has definitely improved, but still a struggle. Some of it is things beyond my control. In real life I've had a lot of friends who I knew exclusively through various activities that I then had to give up because my chronic health problems got in the way, or I moved to a new city, or, you know, the one that happened to everybody when there was a global pandemic that shut everything down. Online is more a struggle between finding the balance of being unable to shut the fuck up or saying nothing because I then get self-conscious of that and feel too offputting/invasive. Even now I'm not sure if this is the right response because I don't have any actual advice, but sometimes it's nice to know one isn't alone in being alone.

[hellraid]

I feel this. It's something I also struggle with, albeit in a different way. I can't seem to form relationships that last longer than a year or two, except for a few lifelong friends. I know I'm the lowest common denominator and it's something I've spent years working on, and has definitely improved, but still a struggle. Some of it is things beyond my control. In real life I've had a lot of friends who I knew exclusively through various activities that I then had to give up because my chronic health problems got in the way, or I moved to a new city, or, you know, the one that happened to everybody when there was a global pandemic that shut everything down. Online is more a struggle between finding the balance of being unable to shut the fuck up or saying nothing because I then get self-conscious of that and feel too offputting/invasive. Even now I'm not sure if this is the right response because I don't have any actual advice, but sometimes it's nice to know one isn't alone in being alone.

that is so strange that you say that. I understand everthing that you are saying. But from my part I feel like I could have a conversation with you for forever. You got humor you got seriousness. To be fair I don't understand 30% of what you just said (language barrier xD) No but I hear that. I had a few close friends irl they all moved to a different city. It is what it is. It's still amazing the moment you meet up.

Also I am sorry to here about your chronic problem. I am sure you hear that all the time. O I am sorry. I don't mean it in that way. Never the less, thank you for your message, it was really nice to read. Just made me feel better. Thanks!!

[kittyray]

that is so strange that you say that. I understand everthing that you are saying. But from my part I feel like I could have a conversation with you for forever. You got humor you got seriousness. To be fair I don't understand 30% of what you just said (language barrier xD) No but I hear that. I had a few close friends irl they all moved to a different city. It is what it is. It's still amazing the moment you meet up.

Also I am sorry to here about your chronic problem. I am sure you hear that all the time. O I am sorry. I don't mean it in that way. Never the less, thank you for your message, it was really nice to read. Just made me feel better. Thanks!!

Sorry if I could have been clearer, articulation isn't a strong suit! And yeah, those reunions are things to live for. Last year we had a big one for my friend's wedding and due to COVID/life paths none of us had seen each other in years, and it was sosososo good. Also thank you for what you said about a conversation with. <3

I appreciate the sympathy, for real, no need to apologize!

[♥ lint ♥]

100% especially the old and grumpy part lmao. You're right about the whole "I'll be your friend!11!!" thing and then they ignore you or focus on other people.

So I'm a twin and I noticed that my sister and I approached this differently, especially during the pandemic. She moved out and lived on her own for the first time and she was frequenting the subreddit for our city and talking to people there to get to know other places and meet new people. She decided she wanted to date and got on an dating app. She's actually pretty introverted and shy, but her personality is also sort of a people pleaser, so she easily lets others lead and tell her what to do.

I went the opposite. I know myself and know that I get easily drained in social situations because I can't stand forced conversation and I just feel I can't sustain that. At work, for example, if I have to go a conference or something, I do so much networking and putting on a peppy front to engage people. Once that's done, I just need to go in hiding for a few days to recharge. I value deep connections with people because I know my personality is....an "acquired" taste haha. What I did during the pandemic was not look for new relationships or friends, but I reconnected with people I was friends with in high school/college. I also got closer to just a few (like 3-4) co-workers that I was already friends with, but basically took it to the next level in terms of opening up and talking about deeper things. I called friends that I hadn't seen in person and barely texted in like 5-7 years and it was awesome. For me, it showed that I don't necessarily need to meet more new people, but can continue to nurture and develop the friendships I started years ago.

When it comes to new people, I try to keep it at a "spread out" pace to allow each of us to attend to our own life things and not be high maintenance I guess. Like healthy boundaries? I tend to not text people every day and when I get a text, I read it and then respond in like 12-24hrs depending. I spend more time observing people and their habits before I open up or reach out because I want to see what they're about and see if we have potential to be long term friends. It's not that I'm not friendly or don't want to get to know people, but I need to know what I'm going into, ya know? If there's something we can connect on, then I focus on that to get the ball rolling.

Anyway, I'm rambling now lol, but I feel you, dude. Just take it one person at a time. Everyone is different so there isn't a cookie cutter approach to develop a relationship ya know?

[Sanctus]

I agree with what a lot of lint said. It's hard for me to maintain new relationships, especially because people can be hard to convince to put in the effort upfront when you're just at the getting-to-know-each-other stage. On the other hand, I've been reconnecting with some older friends and it is way more effortless because we've already gotten over the trust threshold some time ago. Now that we are adults and have the time and money to plan things and have get-togethers, we can afford to actually do more things together. Whereas with new people there is still a question of not only the trust, as well as being vulnerable, but also exploring what kind of activities you might enjoy doing together, or prioritizing existing relationships over new ones.

I'm trying to make more friends in general, e.g. turning work friends into more-than-work friends. But I think it's a slow process and definitely takes some initial energy investment. I also want to try making more hobby friends by joining clubs or groups... I want to get back into climbing and biking, and I think those communities are pretty awesome. But it's one thing to go to a weekly/monthly group hobby meetup and another to actually make lifelong friends from those gatherings. I used to do some Meetup.com groups, but I never ended up with a friend from there that I've kept up with.

[Nattiee]

I feel this. I'm very much an "out of sight out of mind" person, however unintentional. I'm lucky I have a couple people in my life who know if I go missing for a couple days they toss me an "Are you alive?" message. Sometimes I just get caught up in work/life that charging my social battery is not a priority. I also feel like a lot of people and socializing do the opposite for me. They drain my energy and at the end of a day where I have to socialize I'm right drained.

What helps me is talking to people I actually like and care about. If I care about them, the small talk about "how's your day?" or "how was your weekend" doesnt seem as teeth-pully because I genuinely care to listen about what they've been up to. It also helps that these people I care about I have similar interests with. If they say they've begun a new hobby or went to eat somewhere I havent been, it generally stems into another conversation about how they became interested in that hobby or how good the food was. If I really care about them, I'll read up on that hobby or try that place to eat and when I do it helps give me more to talk to with them.

I don't do it often because to be honest, I don't care to make small talk with a lot of people but when I like someone I will go that extra mile. Like every relationship, you get what you put in.

If you feel like you have a lot to talk about with someone but it's hard to stay connected, let them know and be like "hey if I go awol for a bit feel free to shoot me a message, I'm probably just drowning in life and need a reminder to come up for some air."

Making friends is definitely a lot harder though when you're out of school where the faces and environments arent changing. Maybe find a new hobby to pursue and you'll meet a friend where ever that will take you! I'm currently delving into a couple new interests and testing the waters with people I'm finding are interested in the same thing or know people who are. I'm hoping maybe at some point I'll meet a couple new folks from that.. but we'll see if it's an actual interest or a hyperfixation lol

[goodnightmoon]

Reading all of these because I am in the exact same boat. My husband is so good at this. He could not talk to someone for five years then out of nowhere say, "oh hey I'm having lunch with xyz tomorrow" and I'm like what?! Meanwhile I have a hard time maintaining friendships with coworkers (the ones I like) that I see regularly xD

Just know you're not alone!! I do think there is some understanding among adults trying to make and maintain friendships... I think it's difficult for everyone. I also know some kind of common ground (i.e., kids, work, etc) can sometimes help. I don't and won't be having kids but many of the good (albeit few) friendships I have were fostered through work.