Im sad and the worst part of it ls I know it. This year ive had bries suicidal thoughts too for the first time. I really take no pleasure in a lot. Things feel the same, and peope do things over and over hoping theyll be saved.
i dont like going out with friends. i mean whats the big deal? life is quite dull. I experienced a terrible trauma and everytime i think about it i cant breathe. i dont like people anymore... it is just so sad. i dont know what to do with this sadness. I want to be beautiful but Its gamble. I used to be pretty but now i am a monster because of a horrible man i trusted. but other than that, its all the same things. i go to college and learn but so what? maybe, just maybe that is the meaning of my life. to learn and be by myself. because in the end i also realized what i learn is only good for me. people wont change much so i cant tire myself all the time for the will. I cant change anyone. I know ive been this was for 10 years. nobody changed me.

I am at the airport waiting for my plane. i wont see your replys for the next 12 hours as i will
be flying. If I cant manage to survive this board will be the last one I write to.

I dont know how you all do it, but know that you are lucky.