i was on my way to the park with my dog and i had to pee. so of course i go into the restroom at hen house. first of all, why is it always so hot, dark and muggy in there? and the air always smells like farts. either that or like, asparagus pee. i mean yeah, it's a restroom and that's what's gonna be in there, but seriously. if you're sick, please have some decency and wait to poop when you get home. nobody wants to smell that.
while walking in there and trying to pick out the cleanest stall (which is pretty much impossible), i take a look at the mirror. for some reason, the mirrors are always smeared with either little kid hand prints, mist from the stench, dried water droplets, or lip gloss. yes, lip gloss. we've all seen the little kissy prints from some stupid teenager who thought it was cute to leave one on the mirror that somebody, who used the restroom before them, probably sneezed all over. oh, by the way, you'll probably catch the flu now.
anyways, i picked the middle stall because the ones closest and farthest away from the door are usually the most used. just when i think i picked a good one, i take note of the brown liquid goo residing in this toilet. and not only is it wet, there's a floater the size of texas in it just chilling at the surface. how hard is it to flush the damn toilet? if the stench isn't enough to remind you to do it, the pretty image that goes with it should. i pick a different stall and check for leftovers: none. okay, good. so i lock the door and i notice something else: there's always a girl's signature with her number next to it. something like, ''call me tonight for a good time boys. i stay up late. ;D *insert number here*'' it's kind of funny that this is a girl's restroom and the only ''boys'' that come in there are two and under and probably can't even read the door.
so i really have to pee and i go to sit down. i can hardly see because the lights are broken so i'm pretty much guessing where i'm sitting. but before i can finally relieve myself, i notice that there's pee on the seat. if you're sitting down and you're pretty much in the toilet, how do you get it on the seat? i mean honestly. and what makes me even more ticked is when people don't even have the brains to wipe it off. i sure don't want to sit in or wipe off your bodily fluids, and i doubt anyone else wants to either. only you would touch it, but no. you're too lazy and selfish to wipe up your own pee as you laugh maniacally out of the stall. so instead of squatting i had to line the toilet with a hell of a lot of toilet paper to just sit down. i just killed a tree because of your pee. so i'm finally peeing and feeling good when i notice something. there's a freaking booger on the wall. a booger. since when did walls become a public tissue? and it's not one of those tiny ones. it's the biggest one in your nose - the one that makes you sniffle. and it just so happens to be green. so not only do i have to kill a tree, hold my breath, and try not to touch anything, i have to close my eyes while i pee.
and just when i thought the worst was over, i look down. big mistake. not only are there boogers on the wall, there's bloody pads and tampons on the floor. it honestly takes 5 seconds to roll it up in a piece of toilet paper. but once again, someone - probably the same person who pee'd on the seat, wiped their booger on the wall and wrote down their number - decides to pull it off and throw it on the ground. sort of like a ''take that'' to the next innocent person who had to pee. you walk in to relieve yourself and you walk out either a.) still having to pee, b.) totally grossed out and sick, or c.) a changed person.
so i'm peeing as fast as lightning trying to get out of there. i'm finally done and i run out of the stall and to the sink as fast as i can to wash my hands. what's even more gross is when people don't wash their hands after they go pee. they're wiping their insides with a wet piece of toilet paper and instead of washing them off in a free facility, they decide to spread their germs and touch everything around them, still laughing maniacally as they bound out of the door.
and here i pose another question: why is the sink always wet everywhere besides the inside of it? why? it's like people cup their hands and splash it everywhere instead of just rinsing them off. and i hate the bathrooms where you have to press a button and hold it down to wash your hands. if you're by yourself, how are you supposed to wash your hands at the same time if one of them has to push a button? it doesn't make sense. it's like a mind game. anyways, i'm washing my hands and i have to try to just keep them under the water so i don't rub against the giant hairball that's resting by the drain. and if the hairball isn't enough, there's a wet paper towel clogging the drain so the hairball is floating there, taunting you as you try to clean up. why in the world is there a hairball in a sink?
when i finally think it can't get any worse, it does. have you noticed that there's always the most random things in public restroom trash cans? instead of, you know, paper towels and diapers and the usual things, you can't throw away your towel because it's too full of like, a boot, mcdonald's food bags and a car exhaust? it's like somebody was trying to hide something and their first instinct was, ''hey! let's go into the bathroom and hide our evidence.'' what the hell?
and then when i'm about to cry (or puke), it finally gets better. i open the door and the light illuminates my face and i feel the fresh, cool air on my cheeks. just when you think relieving yourself was an easy job, you leave the bathroom feeling worse than you did before you went in. i was a changed person, man. a changed person.
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