Im japanese, I have that stereotypical asian parent.
the strict over protective parent.
Heres some back ground info. I was born in japan moved to hawaii when i was 4 with my mom. my parents arnt divorced but my dad stayed in japan.
so growing up together with my mom she be always scolding me and hitting me and stuff. And honestly I thought it was normal.
Another thing thats different from a normal family excluding the fact my dad isnt there for me is that my mom doesnt work. my dad sends us money and my mom is just a housewife so she can "help me study".
So as any asian parent would do, my mom would drill me with work and studying since back as i can remember. I owe it to her like my abilities in math and stuff.
This continued on and on and on and every time i didnt get it right she would scold me "why cant you get this? this is pre algebra. This is so easy, are you dumb?" she would mock me like that I wouldve only learned the subject that day. With my moms short temper, she threw me what ever she could grab. You name it ve been thrown at (scissors, cup of water, small calculator, works, vitamin bottles, etc).
Whats weird is shes super over protective. I didnt get to sleep in my own room till the end of middle school. Ive literally never told this to anyone. Its so embarrassing. every time my friends would ask "hey kai, what size is your bed" i would always lie and be like "idk". or the fact that she would never let me use MY COMPUTER alone in my room till i was a senior. and she would constantly check what i was doing. (alt+tab ftw).
Highschool came along, I became outgoing. I started doing extracurricular activities and I realised how much im missing out and how my mom is rather different from other parents. my friends are surprised when they learn that my mom hits me or throws me shit because it never happened to them. And likewise im also kinda surprised that im the only one that was "abused". Sophmore year came and I started lashing back at my mom but everytime i would, she be like "Im gonna call the cops that my son is threatening to kill me and im scared" or pull some bullshit like that. I cant remember how many times i wanted to call the free hotline for child abuse.End of sophmore year, I met my ex and the moment i showed my mom her face she instantly started calling her names, slut, scum , cheater blah blah (she did eventually cheat on me though-.-) but after series of eventsmy mom approved of my ex and blah blah. Junior year, I take the hardest class offered at my highschool AP US History, its known the hardest because at least half of the class gets F for the first quarter. so anyways final prject of the year. Im making a diorama of Woodstock, my mom suddenly gets mad at me because it was already 6am and i didnt finished it yet so she throws a CAN OF CHILI. it hits my shoulder, the can opens, and splatters all over my diorama. I got an F. Senior year comes and its all about college apps. Idk what happened but i remembered she was mad at me one night so i go to sleep in my bed. I wake up because she threw a JUG OF MILK at my bed, splattered all over me. Srsly its not even a prank. and then she lectured me till 6 in the morning after that.
College. I find out im going to college in japan. this is where i fucked up. My parents (mom and dad) asked me if i wanted to live in a dorm or alone or with my mom. I wanted to live in a dorm to be away from my parents but my parents were against it because the dorm unlike the american ones are 40 min traain ride away from the campus. I wanted to live alone but i was scared because my japanese level back then was pretty low. I could speak but I literally couldnt read shit. So I ask my mom if she could live with me for 2 years while i get used to the change and after my sophomore year in college she will move back to where my dad lives. She promised this to me and my dad (whose been lonely recently lol).
its the end of my sophomore year in college. Ive been thru hell in japan with my mom. the place we live is pretty small. the worst part is that there isnt a legit door separating my room to her room and to the kitchen. its a flimsy sliding door. so i cant make private phone calls and my mom can still monitor my computer activities and my mom wont let me shut the door. I cant stay out overnight, she doesnt give me allowance (doesnt really matter because i never got one). and all she does is yell at me every day about something that ive heard so many times i dont even bother to listen. she still throws shit at me and everything.
another thing i messed up was last semester i fucked up school so bad i only earned 2 credits... in the whole semester...... fml right?
So my mom is using that to say how I cant move out. what the real deal is, is that my mom is born and raised in tokyo, right in the city. and where my dad is, is kyoto, a more rural and temple filled area. my mom loves tokyo and using my 2 credit disaster as a thing to tell my dad how she needs to live here.
Yea itss my fault but fuck. she started doing the paper work to renew our apartment contract.
I feel so betrayed. Ever since i came to japan i waited everyday that in 2 years i get to live at my own place and do thing my way. but no my mom crushed my dreams and everything today. I literally want to cry to the fact that i still have to live with my mom.
I know people are gonna comment how much they miss their mom and stuff. I get it. Its just we all need our time apart till we realize that its important. I havent realized it if i actually am suppose to realize it. Im at the point when people ask me "who do you love the most" and everyone is like "my mom" i cant answer mom. Ive always relied on friends because they game me more comfort than anything else in this world.
Im just fed up. any guys have any idea what I should do? let me know.
Thanks for reading if you did <3 love you guys
At first I was like damn that's too long but read it anyway so.
Hmmm...
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You know I really don't know what to say.
Moms are supposed to be loving and caring and understanding. Yes they may be angry and mad at times, they have the right to especially at the wrong things you've done but most of the times they shouldn't be. Is she always that mad at you? Does she show signs of affection or concern to you?
think it shows concern in a wicked overprotective way. like i just believe that all this shit is her way of showing affection because rither tha or im really an accident like my mom tells me all the time -,-Originally Posted by Ken
First lol. Thought I read "bra" in there.
Moms always know best.(she did eventually cheat on me though-.-)
j/k.
TMI.She promised this to me and my dad (whose been lonely recently lol).
---
Jokes aside, it's alright you feel this way, and very normal given your description.
You're a fresh new adult, wanting to assert yourself as your own person in the world, while you feel your mom is restricting and humiliating you by babying you.
I can tell you in your situation, there's not going to be a quick fix; it will take time, and dedication on your own part. By this I mean you will have to bring up your grades, and possibly get a job to start saving for your own rental. If you do get a job, I would advise having independent bank accounts from your mom if they aren't already - she's gonna take yo money *for your own good*, yo. The best you can do is contribute a small % to the rent, out of respect. Your mom is not going to release you easily (even if you've proven yourself), that I can also tell you. Right now, you just have to brave through it; I mean you've already done it for 18+ years, amirite?
From my understanding of Asian cultures, parents and elders are highly protective of their children. Education and successful futures are a priority, they will do everything they can to promote it; some by harsh punishment, few by great rewards (eg. spoiling kids for grades), and some by both. They believe it can steer their kids to prosperity, which is what I believe your mom is doing. When you discovered your friends' homelives were not like yours, you shouldn't be so down by it. They are, after all - American. While your mom is a hardcore traditional Japanese. It's just the circumstances of your lives - the uniqueness. Another point to bring up is the generation your mom grew up in. Probably in equally strict households/ideals, and just passing on what she experienced onto you.
And maybe it's a personal issue of her own. She doesn't work, all she does is lounge around the house all day. What else is she supposed to do or feel? Perhaps, by whipping you everyday, it gives her life meaning, that she's doing something good.
I will admit the "throwing stuff" and fucking up your homework is extreme and very wrong on her part, but as I always say, "some people are just like that". She's your mom, that's the way she deals, you can't change it. Just got to accept it, find your own solution/remedy to it, and try not to let it bother you.
About asking her to move in with you, perhaps it was a mistake. But it's too late to dwell on that. While it is wise to have someone who can read/write backing you up, one of the aspects of adulthood is to leave your own comfort zone and enter the unknown - for better or for worse. If you get burned, it's a learning experience to better yourself next time. Your mom's been sheltering you too long that sub-consciously, you felt uneasy without her overbearing guidance because it has been the norm in your life for so many years. That is why you asked her to move in. Nevermind what has already happened, just know for the next time, you need to leave your "comfort zone" if you want to be that guy you wanted to be. Don't be a motherboy.
An aside, I recently read a story of a dude who doesn't know shit about Japanese and just booked a ticket to tour Tokyo for shits & giggles with just his backpack. He slept in the park like a bum, enjoyed the culture and was a positive experience for him. If he can just get up & go, you can too (but I don't recommend being that impulsive, lol). Maybe I'll re-post it some time.
A lot of people in your age strongly resented their parents for matters like these. It's the few years ahead that'll really determine who you're likely to be, and show to your parents who you're likely to be as well. Don't mess up, and if your mom really loves you, she'll see her son become the man she wanted and back off. Accepting you as your own person. When/if that happens, then you can finally look back to these troubled years and see the bigger picture. Maybe then, you can honestly say that you "love your mom". How do I know? . . .
Dude I just. I don't even know what to tell you. You sound like you seriously need to find a way of getting /away/ from your mom. The added stress is not going to help with school crap at-all. Put your ass in gear, put your foot down, and stop taking that crap. She might be your mother, but that doesn't give her the right to treat you like crap.
Try finding a way of getting your own place and bringing your grades up. I don't know much about Japan, but do they have some kind of easier housing? Maybe go get a small job and room with someone?
@(you need an account to see links) has got it down almost to the dot.
I'm Indian, which is sort of Asian but that's not the point - my situation is somewhat similar. My mom and dad still live together here with me, and my mom is the super caring one but doesn't get mad at anything, ever. My dad is the typical Indian dad, who wants success in all of his blood. He's hit me a couple times, either when I did something wrong or when I haven't been studying enough but it was never as extreme as anything your mom did to you. But I think my dad just wants me to be successful in the future which is why he's pushing me now, and my mom wants the same too but she shows it in a different way. But both of them together = your mom in a nutshell. It's not easy living with it, but it's something that's gonna help in the future. Once you finally escape your mom, try to fully escape her, as in don't share anything except the occasional phone call to check up on them. Hopefully this helped Kai <3
All i can say asian people are crazy, i would know I am one 8). But you are like what 19? You can opt out of tge contract if im not mistaken?
~credit to katzes
KKKS, I'm sorry to hear about this, sounds like you've been having a really rough time.
If you can, my advice would be to try to take a drive, or a bike or a walk to a nice calm, relaxing place, whatever that means for you. Go down to a beach, into a clearing, on a hillside, overlooking a nice view or whatever works for you, and just try to breathe for a little. Take a moment and try to clear your head and focus on whatever you happen to be looking out on/over, make sure you turn off or leave your phone behind so you don't have to worry about it. After you've been able to relax for however long your comfortable with, try to think about your situation again. Hopefully you'll be able to gain some new insight or think of something, the important thing is to not let yourself be pulled under by stress or worry. Being able to vocalize your feelings with someone you trust can also be very and cathartic, or take up a pen/pencil and just write. It's great that you posted here where a bunch of awesome people can try to offer a new perspective or support.
Remember, you always have options. Some might not be as practical or easy to approach, but you are in control of your future. If you find yourself stuck, don't be afraid to reach out for help from a friend, relative, etc. Remember that things will always get better in the future and just because something might suck right now, you'll come out a better person. Try to take a beat and breathe if you find yourself feeling overwhelmed.
Hope everything improves for you man, let us know how things are going.
thanks this is really helpful
and all other guys like @(you need an account to see links) @(you need an account to see links) @(you need an account to see links) @(you need an account to see links) @(you need an account to see links) thanks for reading this.
even the fact that someone out in this world reading this cheers me up haha.
@(you need an account to see links) i swear your like the go to guy when getting a smile on cK on almost anything. and @(you need an account to see links) too. haha
Im trying to find work here in japan so i can actually pay rent and stuff and stop relying on parents for money.
Happy to help
Hang in there dude! Maybe look around for some translation work? That's always in demand and you could certainly do it being bilingual.
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