Over the past week or so I've had a lot of time to reflect on myself. Made new friends, let go of old friends, enemies turned back into friends. I've realized it just takes far too much energy to hate. I've realized a lot of things really. This is what I love about the human condition, the experience. Re-discovering oneself and learning you can change at any time. Sometimes it makes sense, other times it doesn't, but it's never too late to become the person you want to be. I've gone through a lot this year, and it's about halfway over now and looking back I can't believe someone like me, who at the very core is a somewhat fragile, but very hard-working person has made it through everything I've gone through. It's not much in some people's eyes but in my own, every day has been a struggle for longer than I care to admit. From being unemployed twice for over a month each time, to losing a relationship that lasted almost as long as a fifth of my life, and moving out on my own, losing people on here that I cared very much about, and opening up to new people here that I now call friends, it's so much that I'm not used to really.
I'm still trying to figure out who the fuck I am these days. It always feels like an internal war or conflict between two sides of me, which I don't think is very uncommon. Part of me is a very honorable nice guy that just wants to help, and then the other douchebag is this guy that just wants to watch the world burn..no he wants to cause the world to burn and then watch it. Heh. I've met someone that really makes it all go away and just relax and be so crazily and uncharacteristically open and it's so odd at times because the likelihood of anything developing from it seems minute at times. But isn't it profound the effect one has on another without even trying? There have been plenty of people in my life that have tried to tame me actively, or tried to change me, or get me to behave a certain way, and they all failed without any sort of measure of success. Yet here is someone who does nothing to attempt to change me, and I find myself changing because of her naturally. I don't know. I've been meditating a lot, and there's just so much I don't understand about myself and the world that I wish I had answers for.
There's not always a point I guess, in writing, but I want to share my thoughts a bit because I know there are a lot of young people on here, and being 25 myself and still at times, being so weak-willed and emotional I can't imagine enduring some of the hardships I've seen in posts recent or not at younger ages than my own. The benefit of being older is just having the experience and the wisdom necessary to move past such things in life. I don't comment on a lot of threads containing negativity because I feel like personally, I wouldn't just post such things out in the open, but a lot of you folks do and I think that's awesome. You have a lot of faith in the people here and I've seen this community give some extremely awesome and valuable advice. I'm proud of a lot of the people on here to be honest, and also that I can be among such courageous and strong-willed people.
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