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Thread: +full Rep for reviewing my Essay

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    Death's Avatar
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    +full Rep for reviewing my Essay

    This is my rough draft of my final essay for my communications class. It is a 1st year college level class. I'll give +full rep for any useful comments or critiques of the essay. It's due this Sunday, Jan. 13th. It's a little long, but the requirement for this essay is 1750-2000 words. The references section & paragraph separation doesn't seem to want to format properly on the forum. The topic is Discrimination experienced by those who openly carry firearms in society.The entire paper is intended to be in APA format.



    Last edited by Death; 01-09-2013 at 06:35 PM.

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    Before I get to critiquing and proofreading (if you want that), a few questions.

    1. What format does this essay have to be? I see more than 5 paras and images, so it definitely isn't a 5 paragraph cookie-cutter essay.

    2. Does your instructor require figures or captions for your images?

    3. Do your references require specific formatting (eg. APA or MLA), or as you put it above, is fine?

    4. What does the black font text represent?

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    I think your essay does a good job of conveying your viewpoint, and most of it is pretty solid... Only had one thing to point out: Starting on your example of the Wisconsin Carry group, you managed to run through a solid 1.5 paragraphs before your informed the reader what it was supposed to symbolize. Not that I think it's out of context at all, but rather than informing the reader of its premise as you later do after the account of the situation, "This is a good example of discrimination since the men were all within their legal rights," could have been sooner and hence conveyed the idea better.

    Other than that small bit, it looked great.

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    Death (01-09-2013)

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    Quote Originally Posted by Mod View Post
    Before I get to critiquing and proofreading (if you want that), a few questions.

    1. What format does this essay have to be? I see more than 5 paras and images, so it definitely isn't a 5 paragraph cookie-cutter essay.

    2. Does your instructor require figures or captions for your images?

    3. Do your references require specific formatting (eg. APA or MLA), or as you put it above, is fine?

    4. What does the black font text represent?

    It's all APA format, no figures or captions required, though she did give me a comment to include some sort of visual aids when I turned in my first draft which was only text. Black font text was some sort of accident when i copied and pasted it onto the forum. Doesn't represent anything different than the rest of the text.

    ---------- Post added at 06:32 PM ---------- Previous post was at 06:30 PM ----------

    You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to @tchaikovsky again.

    Bah. WTF.

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    Apologies if it looks like I'm going to tear on your essay; the fundamental concepts are good, but execution in writing style could be improved somewhat.

    From my own experience, college essay graders are strict markers and are ruthless in taking every mark they can, so bear with me. I have not included my own fixes with what I point out (with the exception that they are quick-fixes), because it's your essay and I'll leave it up to whether you want to change what I've highlighted or not, to your own liking. If you require more assistance, let me know.

    Secondly, APA format is tricky because it has never been standardized, thus there are slight variations in referencing across the board. The best way to not lose marks is to follow the way your instructor wants it, if he/she has set an example. Otherwise, try to fill in all fields you can (often you can find fields in the "About us" page, or just use your judgment and make them up - omit things you can't find. (eg. n.d. should be excluded completely if you can't find a date). I've also found that some APA referencing has a "retrieved on" date, some not. Might want to check with your instructor, or include it if in doubt.

    ***That took a lot longer than I expected (an hour alone, mainly in coloring and strikeout tags; there is no strikeout button), I've only gone over the top portion (in red). The rest (in blue), I have not looked at yet.

    When I have more time tonight/tomorrow, I can have another go at the rest of it - if you want of course. Note this portion is only on structure, I can also have a look over it in-whole for ideas and content flow, if time permits.

    If you think my comments and edits are full of shit, let me know and I'll stfu.
    Last edited by Mod; 01-09-2013 at 08:18 PM.

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    Death (01-09-2013),Sellinglikealways (01-09-2013),SmileYaDead (01-09-2013)

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    @Mod

    Thus far, what you have done, I most def appreciate. +4 Rep. If you finish it, I'll + another 4 rep once I can. I'll go find some guides to rep or some shit. I don't rep enough anyways.

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    Glad to be of help. I hope you don't mind if I do this in chunks. My eyes start going @_@ after a while, just from the strike and color tags, and I also begin to lose attention after a couple paragraphs.

    Also, in my first edit post, I overlooked making "noted in related legislation, it is within a properly" red, in the second paragraph. In case you didn't see it too, in revising your draft.

    *Consider using a hyphen in all instances of "open-carry", open-carriers, and "openly-carried", to clarify that they mean what you mean. I'm just going to start highlighting them in red and you can fix them if you want, since it's faster than me having to write the tags in. (Look over the first few paragraphs I did too, as I didn't think of it previously)

    [/COLOR]

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    Death (01-10-2013)

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    Quote Originally Posted by Mod View Post
    Glad to be of help. I hope you don't mind if I do this in chunks. My eyes start going @_@ after a while, just from the strike and color tags, and I also begin to lose attention after a couple paragraphs.

    Also, in my first edit post, I overlooked making "noted in related legislation, it is within a properly" red, in the second paragraph. In case you didn't see it too, in revising your draft.

    *Consider using a hyphen in all instances of "open-carry", open-carriers, and "openly-carried", to clarify that they mean what you mean. I'm just going to start highlighting them in red and you can fix them if you want, since it's faster than me having to write the tags in. (Look over the first few paragraphs I did too, as I didn't think of it previously)

    [/COLOR]
    @Mod, you could always try c/p the essay into a word doc and then tracking changes xD
    It'll save you from all the formatting required to do it in BBC xD

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    Mod (01-10-2013)

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    You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Mod again.

    Time to go find me some guides to rep. LOL

    Edit: You have given the maximum amount of reputation for today. Time until you can give reputation again: 17:58:20
    Last edited by Death; 01-10-2013 at 06:13 AM.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Ana View Post
    @Mod, you could always try c/p the essay into a word doc and then tracking changes xD
    It'll save you from all the formatting required to do it in BBC xD
    I thought about that, didn't think I could transfer word formatting onto here. But tracking changes after (like you said) is still much faster than what I'm doing now.

    Guess it is more persuasive coming from someone else, I feel like a dumbass now.

    Anyways, it's real late now where I'm at - I'll try the rest tomorrow (or later today, heh).

    @Mondale , no rush, man. Rep is nice, but I won't dog you for it,

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