I do not know why i am making this thread. I am not sure if anyone will care or even be bothered to read this, but never the less i will have written this to myself.
I thought this was most suitable under the Sports & Physical Fitness forum seeing the main subject is my body and what i have experienced on it in the past 6 years.
Before you start reading, you should know that i am perfectly healthy today. Both my mind and body is where it should be, and this experience has truely made me realize that life is worth living. I am gonna keep this short since the whole story will take forever to describe, there are so many feelings and relationships involved in my story that have been the reason of many things that i have done. I just hope that i can describe this well enough for others to understand.
The story (I am from Denmark, my english isn't perfect so bare with me if i'm making mistakes)
It all started out six years ago while i was in highschool, I had the perfect life of a child.
I had numerous close friends, a girlfriend once in a while and a large family, which i could rely on anytime. My grades were good, and i had the plan about how my future should be. Basicly i was a very popular boy.
One day out whole school got closed because of fungus and everyone on that school would later on be moved to diffrent school around the city, depending on what school the parents wanted their children on.
Luckily alot of my friends and classmates moved to the same school, so we wouldnt have to worry about seeing eachother each day. But... We were to merge with the students from the other school, which split us all up and i think that affected me deeply considering what happened next.
From there i started feeling less important, i was slamming through the puperty, which can cause every young mind to be troubled, but this was diffrent.
I started feeling that i wasn't as popular as before, and i wasn't getting the same attention as before. That went on for a long while, untill suddenly i got the crazy idea that i needed to step my life up. I felt that i had to do something for people to look up to me again, and so i did. So i did.
At that time i wasn't fit and skinny like everyone else, i had a little fat allover the body as alot of kids have, but for me it felt like i was fat. So i decided to loose some weight, get a real 6 pack and make the girls notice me alot.
Before i knew it, i weighted 45 Kilograms at the age of 15 which definetly was skinny. People started to notice that i had become very skinny, everyone commented it. In the start i was happy about it, i could fit into whatever clothes i wanted and i had a 6 pack. But as the time past it got serious, my mood changed alot, i wouldnt see any of my friends, i isolated myself without ever knowing why. So i started loosing friends and become very sad most of the time. My parents got me to see a doctor about my issues and they told me i had developed an eating disorder. I had become a case of Anorexia.
I never, trust me never felt too skinny. That is one of the problem when you have anorexia, you don't feel skinny. In my case i didn't feel fat either, but i considered myself as normal (which i definetly wasn't) So i began to see a docter each week to keep track of my weight and i used to cheat the doctors by drinking a bunch of water before the visit, so it would look like i gained weight. But no i wasnt gaining any weight. At one point the doctors decided that i was healthy enough to stop the meetings every week, and so the meetings stopped. But my weight still wasnt going up.
For the next year, my life went on as nothing had ever happened. I finnished Highschool and didn't really speak to any of my old friends anymore. I started seeing a bunch of new people and met a couple of girls. It is very important for you people to understand that in my case, i never really felt like the end of the world. I was given a good family from birth. But i never stopped feeling the heavy burdon on my shoulders. I walked around everyday feeling like i was keeping a very big secret, and nobody would ever really understand me. I have spent month's with girlfriends, i have lived under the same roof as some of them and still none of them really knew the true me.
Anyway, for that year i was living like allways, i had new friends, new interrests and was under education. But one day when i broke up with a girlfriend, i decided to move out. I moved into an apartment and started to think about starting a new life. Allthough that was very impossible for me. My ex girlfriend was very pretty, and i never felt i was good enough for her, so when we broke up i felt the same way as i did in highschool. I felt like i wasn't good enough.
Now my life took a whole other direction. I suddently realized that i was very skinny. I felt bad about having small arms and was worried that girls didn't look at me as a real man. I started getting really bothered by this, i used to look into shopwindows as i walked past them and try to recognize myself. It was like it wasn't me standing in that window, like looking at a completely other person. A skinny person.
I had finally realized that i was suffering from an eating disorder, and i was causing pain to my own body. From there on i went on for a couple of months thinking about my health, and what this eating disorder had done to me. I was living in a new city without many friends. All my old friends was far away, and the true friends i had in highschool was all moving in diffrent directions (without me) I finally realized that i had caused alot of pain onto my nearest friends aswell, by being isolated. I had lost some real great friends. So i decided to do something about this.
I wanted to become a man, i wanted to take my own decitions, i wanted a nice looking body, big arms and alot of respect. And i knew just the way to do it.
I had a cousin who had been a proffesional body builder. He knew practicly everything there is to know about steriouds, fitness, bodybuilding and food.
I started reading alot about diffrent sterioids, exercise, body building and eating habbits. I spent a total of 5 months reading, watching and listening to information about this. And so it began. I started training..
By that time i had build up a solid mass of fat on my body to have something to build off when i started working out. I worked out for a couple of months to get the feeling of going to a gym, and how it was like. To be honest i loved it. Even without the steriods the enviroment was so great. But it didn't stop there.
I went on a bought steriouds from my cousin which guided me through it all. And eventually i started getting bigger and bigger.
Now the next 2 years i worked out using steriods on and off, and i must say, i really enjoyed it. It gave me confidence, respect and a really good looking body. But the secret is to know when to stop. As time past all i did was doing larger and larger doses of diffrent types of steroids which in the end lead to some side effects. I started getting really aggresive. I never hit anyone during a roidrage but i have been stupid and egocentered on alot of points. In the end the workout and steriods only helped my own mind. People didn't like me more because i was bigger. No one cared if i was big, other than the people at the bars and clubs. My close family and friends started getting worried cuz of my side effect and honestly, i started thinking that it maybe wasn't worth it all.
Skipping ahead till today, i am neither doing steroids and neither am i too thin. I am a average weight person and i am perfectly fine with it, i don't mind loosing a kilogram or two, and i certainly don't mind getting a little fat on my body. I believe i have a very peaceful mind now. I have been down the tunnel and back again, both under and above. I have talked with alot of family about this case, but i still havent ever fully comitted to my story and neither am i doing that now.
I am not explaining some of my very worst moments, but i hope someday that i will be able to speak about them and fully relief my chest from that burdon.
Now as i said in the beginning, i don't really know why i am writing this. I guess i am just happy that i have been both mentally sick and sick concerning my body and still managed to become a good person in the end. The way i see it, Supermodels and the big ego there is today about having to look beuatiful is kinda heartbreaking. Everyone should know that they are worth something, and they defintly wont loose or increase in value because of their body size.
We are all humans and we should accept ourselfs and eachother as we are.
Matthew -> StonedClash
Thanks for sharing your story: I enjoyed reading it!
I'm glad you're feeling good now. You've been to both opposite ends of the weight spectrum, and come out of it fine: that's definitely something to be proud of.
Thank you Inq.
I am glad you took the time to read it.
Awesome story dude. I know what it is like to feel like you dont belong or as if you're not good enough for others. Not a pretty lifestyle to live. Although I didnt go as extree as you into the darkness I can Sympathize with you on it. Before I joined the Army I was 250lbs at the age of 18. My whole life I was in very good shape..180lb nice and toned. But when I stopped playing Competitive Hockey and Football all at once, I fell into a land slide of lazyness and contentment. My own fault and have no one to blame for it but myself but I as well was very depressed with my weight and my looks and woke up one to to an epiphany. " What the hell am I doing to myself" .. I was in college at the time, Taking a degree in Police and Law and I dropped out to pursue my now career as an infantry soldier in the Canadian Army.
Needless to say my life was spun around and I found my Love for physical fitness again.
I still Bounce around from 210-230 sometimes but my fat to muscle ratio is much better and even at 230lb I still manage to maintain a healthy look. As for right now , I am trying to lower my fat % to around 10%. I am Almost there.
Question for you. I have done a lot of researching myself on Steroids and the effect it can have mentally, not physically because I am very interested in trying it out. The way i see it the added strength and fitness I would benefit from it would be amazing in regards to my job, but mentally I need to be able to stay under control of myself at all times as well. How hard is that or how easy it to not like "lose it" you now what I mean?